Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Kerry Jokes

Man, does Leno have some good shots!

"President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating." -Jay Leno

"Well, the good news for Democrats: over half the country can now identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news is that the majority still thinks he's the dad from 'The Munsters'" -Jay Leno

"John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them." -Jay Leno

"They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'" -Jay Leno

"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." -Craig Kilborn

"Today, John Kerry announced a foolproof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card." -Craig Kilborn

"The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why...with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." -Jay Leno

"The White House has begun airing their TV commercials to re-elect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in order to get elected, unless of course, it's the Vietnam War." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for the working man." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry: the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle." -Craig Kilborn

"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton." -David Letterman

"It really kind of looks like now that John Kerry is on his way to the presidential nomination, the only thing that can sink John Kerry now is an Al Gore endorsement." -Jay Leno

"According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox. His back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues." -Jay Leno

"The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, 'The time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.' Then he said, 'And until we find that man, we will endorse John Kerry.'" -Conan O'Brien

"In his big victory speech, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." -Jay Leno


Blogger ...sarah... said...

those are so funny!!

8/11/2004 7:00 AM  

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